Review: F9

F9 is the latest entry in The Fast and the Furious franchise and unfortunately with the next two entries already confirmed, I’m already past the point of caring anymore and I want this to just end. I’ll openly admit that while the franchise left its street racing roots in the rear view mirror long ago, I’ve found enjoyment in the series and I’ve accepted it for what it has become and that’s an over the top action franchise with no regards for the laws of physics… However, I’m genuinely struggling to find any positive to say about this film.

I don’t actually thing I’ve been so bored watching an action movie since Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and I don’t say that lightly. This film is terrible and not even the inclusion of John Cena could save it from the sorry state of affairs we’ve been handed here.

F9 seems to push the worst parts of the franchise forward and leaves the things that helped make the series special in the scrapheap. The whole film feels like it has been pieced together by a child as it moves from over the top action scene to over the top action scene with the only truly intriguing part of the film coming in the mid credits scene which sits at the end of an over inflated runtime. I honestly think if this film was trimmed down to a lean 90mins, it actually has the potential to be pretty decent.

I had actually planned on putting together a lovely little tongue in cheek review with a few John Cena puns and joking about how much I appreciated the franchise sticking so closely to its roots but after watching it I just can’t bring myself to let Universal Pictures off with releasing such a colossal piece of shit.

They expect us to root for characters who have no regard for public safety and can somehow make it out of every possible scenario unscathed and even when one of them does die, they come back two films later anyway. The only thing this film does well is highlight how much I miss Dwayne Johnson because he’s been the best thing in this franchise since 2011.

Vin Diesel is not leading man material by any stretch and he’s nowhere near charismatic enough to carry this franchise. He just grumbles and growls his way from scene to scene, drinks a Corona, rambles on about family and solves every problem he has in his life by driving fast and don’t even get me started on the “story” because there’s a good 30mins of screen time dedicated to retconning half the films that have come before.

I honestly can’t bring myself to dedicate anymore time to writing about this film. I was ready and willing to give this film a shot despite all the negativity I’d seen online but no matter how hard I tried I just did not enjoy it. When F9 was gearing up for release, Vin Diesel claimed F9 was going to help save cinema but if this is what the future of cinema has in store for us, I’m perfectly fine with never setting foot inside one ever again. A hamster could have made a better film.

by Edward Laing